Well I have over a year to update the journey on and then after this blog I promise to be more up to date!
November 2008
Jordan & I discussed our future family ideas and decided to get off birth control. However, we still weren’t trying to get pregnant; yet at the same time we were not trying not to.
January 2009
I met with Dr. Mauck at River Oaks to discuss whether or not he and River Oaks would be up to the challenge that a pregnant woman with Spina Bifida could create. He was very confident that he could handle any challenge that would arise and was more than willing to be my primary Obstetrician through this whole thing. He did make sure that I knew that they had never had a woman with Spina Bifida as a patient, but ensured me they’d take very good care of me throughout it all. He said he would study Spina Bifida and we’d find ways together to make sure that my pregnancy would go as smoothly as possible. Some of the obvious differences we discussed would be my need to have a C-Section, my need for a belly/back support the more the baby grew, and the need to monitor my back, hips, and feet as I gained weight. He didn’t want me risk hurting any area of my body if the weight became to much, yet he didn’t feel my weight would be an issue. So, I walked away from that consultation feeling very confident that I had picked the right doctor and the “trying” began!
April 2009
I started using an Ovulation calendar to keep track of when I was ovulating to increase my odds of becoming pregnant. January through March we just kind of went with the flow not really knowing much about the timing of everything.
May 2009
I became pregnant for the 1st time! I was elated yet at the same time TERRIFIED. I wasn’t sure I was completely ready and when I saw the test and said PREGNANT I just balled. I sat in the bathroom for a few minutes, then came out to tell Jordan the news and I just lost it. I was so scared. I was scared that the pregnancy would kill me b/c of my Spina Bifida, I was scared I wasn’t ready, I was scared we got pregnant too soon, I was scared we tried to early, I was scared I would be an awful mom, I was scared we wouldn’t have enough money….I was scared of so many things but at the same time so excited. We told our family and our closest friends and they shared in the excitement with us.
June 2009
About 5 weeks into the pregnancy I started to wake up every morning around 5am with awful cramps. I called the doctor and they said it was probably just implantation bleeding. This went on for the next 2 weeks and one more it happened around 5am and again around 7am and I was in so much pain I could barely walk. The cramping would only last about 5 minutes and then it would go away and I’d feel fine. The morning it came and went 2x is when I told the nurse something just wasn’t right. They continued to tell me not to worry, that cramping was normal, and until I started to see bleeding I shouldn’t worry. Well that night I started bleeding. I called the dr on call and he had me to go the hospital to have my blood taken so they could see where my levels were. The next morning I went to the doctor’s office where they told me I was experiencing a miscarriage and the cramping I was feeling were actual contractions. My body knew the pregnancy was no good and was trying to go into “labor” to rid of the pregnancy.
I was devastated. I had been through a lot of heartache throughout my life and more in the last couple years than I could’ve ever imagine, but this was 100x worse than all of that pain. I couldn’t grasp any sort of understanding. I couldn’t believe I was going through this type of situation; that I was enduring such heartache. Sp many thoughts and emotions were running through my mind. I cried off and on for weeks. I dealt with hurt, sadness, anger, jealousy, bitterness….any negative feeling; you name it, I felt it. I can’t even explain how I felt.
I knew in time God would heal my heart and Jordan and I would try again. Little did I realize how hard it all would get…..
July through November 2009
Trying, trying, trying, trying, trying. No success. Frustrated, confused, worried, anxious.
November 30, 2009
After a year of no success of a healthy pregnancy I met with Dr. Mauck regarding possible infertility issues. Before my appt the nurse asked me to use an Ovulation Predictor Kit that month and when I came in I’d discuss more with the doctor. In using the OPK I realized that I was ovulating about 4 days earlier than what I thought I had been this whole time. Could my lack of pregnancy just be a timing issue!?!
December 4, 2009
It was 5 days until I would’ve started my period, but I took a pregnancy test just by chance and guess what!?! PREGNANT for the 2nd time!!! Timing!! That had to have been it!!! Thank You Lord for another shot at being pregnant!!!
I called the doctor right away and they had me come in right away to check my levels. Levels were at 99!!!
December 7, 2009
Levels checked again. They were at 200! Things were looking great. My Progesterone was great as well. Things were heading in the right direction!
December 14, 2009
Levels dropped to 99 and the nurse told me that I would have a miscarriage. I was yet again devastated, but this time SO angry.
December 16, 2009
Started miscarrying.
I thought the 1st miscarriage was hard, but this 2nd one really questioned God. I know as Christians are faith is to be put in Christ and we are to stand firm in our trust with Him. Well…I doubted. I doubted it all. I doubted how much He care for me, I doubted His love for me, I doubted His word, I doubted His promise. I was angry….so angry. And I tried so hard to be angry at Him, but my heart just knew better. So, I struggled with who to be angry at. For days I would just cry and scream and yell. I didn’t understand how this could’ve happened to me again and right before Christmas, my favorite holiday. Why? That was the famous question and NO ONE could answer it for me. Not even Dr. Mauck who I hoped would give me some sort of answer to hold on to. Nothing for everyone and the anger just built.
December 21, 2009
My levels dropped to 89. They weren’t dropping like the should be so the nurse was a little concerned.
At this point I started to feel better overall. My anger was being replaced by peace. I didn’t quite understand why He would show such grace on me at this time when I was so angry and ridiculous before, but He did b/c He’s that kind of God. I started to realize that I had ever right to feel all the feelings I did, but I had to realize that I couldn’t blame Him. He only wants what is good for us. He want to bless us, yet in the beginning I just couldn’t see past all of that.
I just started asking God for His forgiveness and for His peace. I knew if I had those 2 things that He would provide strength as well and in time I’d get through this 2nd miscarriage and be able to move on and try again.
My heart and mind were beginning to heal, but I still had reservations in trusting Him completely. I was hesitant to get pregnant again and wondered if that would end in a miscarriage as well.
December 28, 2009
My levels shot up to 305! Was a I still pregnant? Did I miscarry a twin and I still had a healthy baby growing inside me? Was I pregnant again; already!?!
December 29, 2009
The nurse seemed very concerned and said the doctor wanted to send me to the hospital for an emergency ultrasound. She wouldn’t tell me what they were looking for; she said she wasn’t the one who should discuss this with me at the time.
I get to the hospital to see on my paperwork the words “Ectopic Pregnancy”. I lost in there in the waiting room of admitting all alone. Please God…No…I begged Him.
Jordan met me there and we waited for an hour until my ultrasound.
The radiologist who did my ultrasound said there was no sign of an Ectopic pregnancy. What a relief!! However, she found a cyst on my right ovary, but with my history of cysts it was not of concern. She also found a fluid fill sac in my uterus. Overall the ultrasound was inconclusive. Inconclusive!?! Are you kidding me!?!
The nurse called me that afternoon to tell me they wanted to check my levels again in a couple days and we’d go from there.
January 4, 2010
My levels shot up to 600! I was excited, but the nurse was less that excited.
January 5, 2010
Once again they sent me back to the hospital for another emergency ultrasound looking for the same thing as last time. Dr. Mauck was concerned this was a continuation of my 2nd pregnancy and they are just now realizing it’s Ectopic.
The radiologist this time wouldn’t give me any information. She said the doctor would call me.
The nurse called that afternoon to say that Dr. Mauck was “leaning” on the side of Ectopic Pregnancy. My heart sank. So many concerns, so many risks, so many issues….how is this happening to me!?!
January 6, 2010
Jordan & I met with Dr. Mauck. We talked about my options to terminate the pregnancy. He said everything was pointing to an Ectopic and hopefully they had caught in time before any damage was done.
He said we’d have to wait 3 months from here before we could start trying again. That was the hardest thing to hear out of all of this. Yes, I was hurting b/c I was losing another pregnancy, but to know that I have to wait even longer to hold our baby in my arms hurt more than anything at the time.
During the next 3 months we’d run tests, do exams, and get some answers as to why I’ve had 2 lost pregnancy in less than a year.
Dr. Mauck wanted to do one more blood test so that he had just another confirmation this was Ectopic before we did the treatment.
My results came back confirming what he thought and he sent me to the hospital to have the Methotrexate treatment.
January 7, 2010
I was in so much pain from the Ectopic pregnancy and so sick to my stomach from the Methotrexate treatment that I was miserable and laid in bed all day long.
January 9, 2010
Went in for a blood test to make sure levels were dropping and the pregnancy was terminating properly. Levels shot up 50! What!?!
January 11, 2010
Went in for another blood test to see how things were looking. Levels shot up even more! L What in the world is happening!?!
Today
Spoke to the nurse explained to her my pain is back a little bit.
The levels going up are obviously not a good sign, but the pain that is back could be good. Dr. said it could mean that the medicine is working now.
They are going to do another blood draw tomorrow morning, I’ll get the results in the afternoon, & they are hoping for a significant drop in my levels.
If there is not a significant drop we’ll do another round of the treatment and go from there.
If the 2nd round doesn’t work then I’m forced to have the surgery.
I’m fine with either way. I just don’t want whatever is going on to damage my tube in anyway. So, blog followers please pray that the medicine will work in the way it needs to, more importantly that no damage is done to my tube or anything else for that matter, and for the pain I am feeling not to increase in anyway. If it does increase or I start to feel weak, dizzy, or lightheaded I’m to go to the ER immediately and who wants to go to the ER.
In all this I’m continuing to struggle with so many questions, but God has been teaching me so much lately.
It’s a hard thing to admit to God that you don’t fully believe that His word is true. It’s hard to admit to myself, but I knew if I was going to move past all my doubts and fears then I had to admit them. Not that God doesn’t already know everything, but there’s something about confessing things to God, getting them off your chest, and stepping up to the fact that we are human but want to change.
Can God really heal us? Does God really want me to be blessed? God does hear my cry? How much does God love us if He allows us to go through so much? Does He really not give us more than we can handle?
A week ago I couldn’t answer any of those questions honestly. Today I can answer them w/o hesitation and full confidence that He only wants good for us.
This whole journey has taught me so much, but the most important thing it has taught me is that my faith & trust in Christ is so much more important than I realized and it goes so much deeper than many of us could ever imagine.
I have so much to share, yet so little time. Guess I’ll have to wait until tomorrow.
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