The Time Has Come….

Well now begins that time that Jordan & I will officially start trying again! Ahh!!! I find myself feeling so many different feelings. I’m excited, I’m nervous, I’m scared…however, I know all I need to feel is TRUST.

Over the last few months I have learned how to fully trust God with everything in my life especially this. It’s been a whirlwind & it’s been hard. However, I wouldn’t change any of the pain I’ve felt the last year. I have grown so much in my relationship with Him; I fallen more & more in love with Him, and I’ve seen the fruits of my obedience reflected in my marriage, in my attitude, & more importantly in my heart.

We’ve been going through a sermon series on Sundays called The Blessed Life. I have learned a lot about tithe & giving during the series but yesterday God really touched me with the message we watched. Listening to the pastor speak yesterday, my heart was just being tugged & tugged. I’ve had the mindset throughout the series that I need to give more & make sure that my heart is cheerful as I give & also to make sure that my heart is not expecting something from God in return. That’s been hard for me…I want so badly to have a baby & I just keep asking Him “Lord bless us with a baby as we continue to give what is yours back to you.” At the end of the service I was singing & stopped to tell God that I will give Him everything if He asked me to just so that I could have a baby. It was in that moment He clearly told me that I know better than that. I had to stop & think about what He meant. In my usual haste I asked Him what He meant. He spoke to my heart letting me know that all He wants from me is to be completely satisfied with Him with or without a baby. Duh Krista!?!

Over the last few months that’s exactly where I’ve gotten. I’ve become satisfied in my relationship with Him that if it were just me, Him, & Jord the rest of my life, then that would be ok. It’s not the desire of my heart, but I’ve learned to love & trust Him enough to be ok with whatever His will may be.

So after my “duh” moment with God I lifted my hands apologizing for my selfish heart & continued to offer everything I had for His kingdom as long as I had His love & peace upon my life eternally. (Deep down I’m hoping He doesn’t have me give everything though… LOL! What!?! I’m human!) ;)

I’m amazed at the things God teaches us in moments we’d never expect it. He’s amazing! I know I’ve said it plenty, but honestly, I’ll never be able to say it enough.

I’m looking forward to the next couple weeks & months. I’m sure it’ll have it’s ups & down, but I’m going to fully trust in Him & make sure that I keep the fear & anxiety out of my mind that Satan constantly wants me to feel. I trust in God’s will fully and no matter the outcome of this next attempt I will continue to give Him all honor, all glory, and all praise.

Be praying for us as we begin to try again! :) I may not blog for awile depending on how things goes, but I’ll keep you updated as much as I can. I love you all & thank you for following our journey. I pray that my next blog will be full of good news!!

Before I end this post I wanted to share a song that the Lord has placed upon my ears 2 different times in the last week or so. It was a song that when I heard it both times I felt His prescense & knew I was supposed to listen closely. There are a lot of songs like that, but this one definitely hit home & gave me some encouragement.

As I was trying to find it on youtube this morning I found the story behind it. You always imagine that a song that touches your life is meant for you & your situation. Hearing the story behind the song made me realize that God definitely wanted me to hear this song & I’m so thankful He did. Though my situation is completely different than the couple the song was written about I still feel a connection & find even more encouragement in that song than I did. God is so amazing! To be told to abort a pregnancy, then to fully trust God, & then to see His healing hand upon that baby. Wow!! His power is undeniable when we learn to FULLY trust in Him.

I just balled my eyes out listening to that story; not so much b/c of the story, but b/c I was seeing again just how much God wants me to understand the importance of trusting in Him completely. It’s been what He’s taught me most the last few months & it’s what I will continually strive to do.

No matter the situation in your life you must trust Him completely  & when you think you have trust Him more.

The song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZDQzR8LK-c&NR=1

The story behind this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1ZQKzzyaJI&NR=1

Before the Morning by Josh Wilson
Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you?
If there's a God who loves you
Where is He now?

Or maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday, somehow you'll see, you'll see

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
And you know where you're going
You just don't know how you'll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on
'Cause there's good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time, but you'll see the bigger picture

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming


So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning

Yeah, yeah, before the morning
Yeah, yeah

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory, memory, memory, yeah

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

Come on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the hurt before the healing

Oh, the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning
Yeah, yeah, before the morning
Yeah, yeah, before the morning

Right? Left? Up? Down? Face forward? Turn around? Where am I going!?! What in the world is going on!?! Ahhhhhhhh!!!

I haven’t really blogged in about a month. There is so much to tell. That’s what I get for procrastinating. I know, I know. My apologies. ;)

Well, since my last official blog my levels finally reached 0. They were at 3 when I went back in on March 8^th. PTL!!! Finally some good news & a chance to move forward!

When they finally were low enough I went in to meet with Dr. Mauck. He told me that everything looked good, that he didn’t think it was necessary for me to have the surgery to go in & look at everything to make sure my tubes were not clogged & that my uterus looked ok, he said that he would like to run the recurrent miscarriage blood panel, & told Jordan & I to go ahead & start trying again.

I was a little hesitant to take the blood panel b/c it was $2800 procedure. However, when I called my insurance they said that they would cover 100%. What a huge relief! So of course with 100% coverage there was no reason not to do it.

The following Thursday I went in for the panel. They drew 7 vials of blood and told me they’d call me as my results came in. The next Monday they called to tell me that 3 of my tests came back; 2 of which had great results & 1 that wasn’t horrible, but not great. First they told me I didn’t have Lupus, then they told me I didn’t have the main blood clotting gene; both of these huge results had me so giddy I didn’t care about the negative result. The other test was that I have a mutated gene that makes it hard for my body to absorb folic acid. That wasn’t a huge surprise to me with my Spina Bifida. So, they increased my folic acid dosage to 4mg a day which is about 100x more than a normal woman TTC would take. The hope is that at least a 1/3 of what I take my body will allow for absorption. Test results were still coming in, but so far they were good. No complaints.

Last week the nurse called to go over some more results. Most of the tests looked great, but there was one that brought some concern to them. She let me know that I had a gene that indicated that I had a blood disease creating blood clotting. Disease!?! What!?! Are you kidding me!?! My heart sake & my mind was immediately confused. Didn’t they just tell me last week that I didn’t have the blood clotting disease.

She let me know there wasn’t much information she could give me at this time that I needed to see my family doctor. I saw Dr. Howe last Friday & he explained as much as he could to me, but basically let me know that he’s never seen a result like mine & wanted me to visit a Hematologist.

I went to the Hematologist on Tuesday where he thoroughly explained to me the blood disease that I have. Basically I have gotten one gene from each parent creating a Homozygous

genetic disorder. This blood disease allows my heart to build up plague more easily than most and it allows my blood to clot more easily than most. The 2 issues together making me at a high risk for heart disease & heart attacks. What this means for the rest of my life is just making sure I take good care of myself, maintain a healthy diet, a healthy lifestyle, & paying close attention to my heart. They put me on a baby aspirin regimen. I will take that for the rest of my life as long as things within my heart don’t get any worse.

I ended up letting the hematologist know of some recent heart pain so they immediately sent me to have a CT scan done where they found that everything looked just fine. He said that my pain was probably stressed induced & just asked that I try to relax more often. HA! ;)

So, what does all this mean for my ability to get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy. Well as soon as I get pregnant I will be put on blood thinners and we’ll just trust in the Lord that everything will work out & I’ll carry a baby to full term. J

I will say this week was definitely hard. Sitting in the hematologists’ office after learning more about the fact I have a blood disease was a very hard moment. I wanted to give up. I thought to myself “Lord, you say that you won’t give us more than we can handle, but don’t you think you’ve given me enough to deal with?” Spina Bifida & all of it’s lovely conditions, pregnancy issues, & now a blood disease. Really? Are you kidding me? I definitely hit a low spot & a spot of pure sadness. It didn’t last long though.

It’s still hard to think about; to know that I live with more disabilities & disease than most, but then I realize that I count it an honor to be given such hardships b/c God knows that I love Him so much that even through all of this “junk” I will still give Him praise & honor & glory….as much as I wanted to give up on Tuesday; I could never give up on Him. He’s been too good to me & given me so much to live for. How could I forsake the God who gives me all the blessings He has.

So…as I continue to grasp the recent turns my life has made; I will continue to remind all of you that follow my blog that no matter what happens in my life I will continue to shine for Him b/c He is that amazing & if you don’t know Him in such a way that allows you to praise Him in the hardest times of your life I challenge you to get to know Him better. He will give you the most incredible amounts of joy especially on the days when all you think you can do is cry.

It’s not easy….I know it won’t be for awhile….and that’s ok.

I choose to love Him & thank Him even for these moments of heartache, confusion, and sadness.

Jordan & I will keep trucking allowing praying for His strength & guidance as we face each new trial. Please be praying for us as well.

We love you all!