It's Overwhelming

February 23, 2010

Today as I sit reflecting over the last week I find myself disappointed. Disappointed in my attitude over things lately; disappointed I’ve let my exhaustion & my frustration get the best of me more than not over the last few days. Still something I’m working on. I’m learning to have more control over my emotions lately; it’s a struggle, but I’m learning! :)

Well, lets see; last Monday my levels dropped to 14 and as of yesterday they were only at 8. It’s a slow drop and it’s frustrating, but at least there isn’t any rise. I don’t go back in for another test until March 8^th in which they hope my levels will be at zero. At that point we’ll get moving on my other tests & procedures.

I count myself lucky for the situation I’m in b/c I’ve learned in the last week from 2 close friends of mine that things could be worse for me. I see 2 of my friends struggling on a deeper level of fertility issues; levels I can’t imagine to be at, levels I can’t imagine to work through, and here I am blogging about how hard things are with where I’m at. (It’s not that they were trying to make me feel that my situation is less than theirs.)  My situation is nothing compared to the heartache, the anger, the confusion, the stress, the sadness of what they are facing. It breaks my heart to see my friends hurting & struggling through something like this. I know there is nothing I can do or say to help the heaviness they feel as they strive to find answers. All I can do is pray & remind them I love them & I’m here for them. If you girls are reading this blog (& you know who you are) please know how much I love you & how much my heart aches for what you are going through, but I will continue to reach the Heavens for you & will continue to BELIEVE for VICTORY in this area of your life. I’m here w/you.

When you’re a little girl you dream of finding your prince charming and creating a family w/your prince. (I have the most amazing prince ever! Check him out on his blog: http://jkerns.blogspot.com/ Gotta give my baby a plug!) You never even think about how hard having a baby could be. You see tons of girls getting pregnant all while growing up; girls that don’t even want babies, girls that have abortions, girls that could care less about being good mothers, girls that are elated to have a baby, girls that are amazing mothers….it just seems so easy to have a baby. Then you wake up one day and realize that this nightmare is real, the struggle is real, the heartache is real, & it hurts.

However the hurt is easy to work through when you have Christ carrying you. I feel sadness for any girl struggling with fertility issues & doesn’t know the Lord like I do. I can’t imagine where they find their strength, where they find joy, or how they find a smile here & there. Though this particular chapter in my life has been more than wearing on my heart it’s also been one of the most rewarding times in my life.

It’s funny how in times of heartache & struggle that’s when we really seek the Lord. It’s sad that it’s usually that way for most, but it’s the truth. It’s easy to come to Him when we need Him. I will admit that through all this I have sought Him more than I ever have before.

Living with Spina Bifida & enduring 15 surgeries, 2 toes amputations, countless infections, several “scares”, endless hospital visits; I’ve sought Him a lot in my times of need, but not like I am seeking Him now.

You may think I’m only seeking Him b/c of my desire to have a baby; that’s part of it. Now more than ever before it’s b/c the more I seek Him the more I find Him. I’m learning so much about the Lord and realizing just how much He really loves me. I’m seeking Him now b/c He’s changing my life. He’s renewing in me the desire to live, He’s showing me how blessed I am, He’s showing me how deep & how wide His love for me is, He’s showing me His grace, His forgiveness, His gentleness, His strength, He’s showing me that when I need rest He’s there, He’s showing me when I need guidance He’s there, when I need joy He’s there, He’s showing me areas of my heart He wants to clean up, heal, & make new again.

How can you not want to seek Him more when He is God of everything of your life? He’s amazing & I’ve known it all my life, but I praise Him that we have the ability to learn more & more about Him each time we meet with Him. It’s overwhelming in the most amazing way.

Thank You, Lord, for your sweet Spirit upon my life. I am nothing without You & I wouldn’t get through any of this if it weren’t for Your guidance & strength. All praise & glory be to You Jesus who is my everything. I love you.

Luke 11:9-10  ⁹ “And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. ¹⁰ For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

The More I Seek You by Kari Jobe

The more I seek you,
the more I find you 
The more I find you, the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath, here your heart beat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming 

Worry

February 11, 2010

Well my levels had gone down on Friday by 2 and then again a little more on Monday. My doctor was pleased with the drop so I will continue to have my blood taken until my levels are at 0. What a waiting game!

I realized that when the nurse called me to tell me of the drop I wasn’t exactly thrilled about the “good” news. I wanted more of a drop & I wanted it to finally be at 0. I’m sick of being poked each week & I’m tired of waiting for my levels to get low enough. I just want to move on from this pregnancy & get all my further testing done so that when spring finally gets here Jordan & I will be ready to try again.

In my haste to move forward, God reminded me that sometimes He doesn’t want us to move that fast & that sometimes you need to be thankful for the little steps forward He gives us. He’s plan is perfect & so is His pace. Guess I need God to help me with my patience too! But if you know me at all you know that something I’ve needed help with for as long as I’ve been alive pretty much! LOL! I have no patience…ok well I have some…Lord give me more…please! ;)

God has been so good this week as He is always. He’s answered a couple prayers for me this week & it’s so amazing to see God’s hand upon certain situations & how He works everything out. There’s so many things that weigh heavy upon my heart these days, but the more I seek Him the more I find Him already working in those things. I need to remember not to worry; to just trust.

My husband reminded me of this verse this morning & as I read it I applied it in several areas of my life. I encourage you to do the same.

Matthew 6:25-34 

 ²⁵ “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? ²⁷ Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
 ²⁸ “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, ²⁹ yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. ³⁰ And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
 ³¹ “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ ³² These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. ³³ Seek the Kingdom of God^[a] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
 ³⁴ “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

Greatness is just around the corner!

I’m constantly amazed at the goodness of Christ. He is so AMAZING! My oh my oh my!!! :)

Well let me fill you in. I’ve been having my blood taken every week for the last few weeks and my HcG levels have been dropping really well until this past Monday. They decided to go up! Ugh!

So, I went in this morning for another test and we’ll hopefully see another drop. If there is a raise I’m not sure where we go from here.

I’m believing in a GREAT report though. I’m not going to worry or stress b/c I know Christ is on my side & no matter what He’ll make a way to get me through. I’m a warrior! :)

I’ve been realizing more and more the last few weeks as I’ve grown in Christ & allowed myself to really trust Him that Satan just likes to throw himself my way. It was a struggle emotionally this morning to not get upset or stressed out or worried about the results today. There’s so many “what ifs” and it was hard to not cry with worry. I know that my strength comes from above & when I call upon the name of Jesus, He is there.

Though my early morning may have been rough, my late morning has been full of praise & excitement!! When you ask God for joy He gives it!! I’ve been jamming to some good old Out of Eden & some Martha Munizzi! Good stuff!! :)

I have some pretty amazing friends too! When I need some up lifting & when I need some encouragement I can always count on them. It’s a blessing to know that you can lean on your brothers & sisters in Christ to help carry you when you feel you need some extra help. One of our friends sent me this email this morning:

A new season is just around the corner for you two. Forget about anything you think He has for you because it’s bigger than that. When you see it…it may not look like what you thought….but Joy is coming. And you are never going to be the same. I promise you. Victory like you have never had is going to rise up like you never experienced. A new strength is going to overtake you and take you into your destiny in God.

How do you not get so excited when you know that not only do you see God’s greatness for your life, but your loved ones to do!?! How can you not praise Him for that!?!