It's Overwhelming

February 23, 2010

Today as I sit reflecting over the last week I find myself disappointed. Disappointed in my attitude over things lately; disappointed I’ve let my exhaustion & my frustration get the best of me more than not over the last few days. Still something I’m working on. I’m learning to have more control over my emotions lately; it’s a struggle, but I’m learning! :)

Well, lets see; last Monday my levels dropped to 14 and as of yesterday they were only at 8. It’s a slow drop and it’s frustrating, but at least there isn’t any rise. I don’t go back in for another test until March 8^th in which they hope my levels will be at zero. At that point we’ll get moving on my other tests & procedures.

I count myself lucky for the situation I’m in b/c I’ve learned in the last week from 2 close friends of mine that things could be worse for me. I see 2 of my friends struggling on a deeper level of fertility issues; levels I can’t imagine to be at, levels I can’t imagine to work through, and here I am blogging about how hard things are with where I’m at. (It’s not that they were trying to make me feel that my situation is less than theirs.)  My situation is nothing compared to the heartache, the anger, the confusion, the stress, the sadness of what they are facing. It breaks my heart to see my friends hurting & struggling through something like this. I know there is nothing I can do or say to help the heaviness they feel as they strive to find answers. All I can do is pray & remind them I love them & I’m here for them. If you girls are reading this blog (& you know who you are) please know how much I love you & how much my heart aches for what you are going through, but I will continue to reach the Heavens for you & will continue to BELIEVE for VICTORY in this area of your life. I’m here w/you.

When you’re a little girl you dream of finding your prince charming and creating a family w/your prince. (I have the most amazing prince ever! Check him out on his blog: http://jkerns.blogspot.com/ Gotta give my baby a plug!) You never even think about how hard having a baby could be. You see tons of girls getting pregnant all while growing up; girls that don’t even want babies, girls that have abortions, girls that could care less about being good mothers, girls that are elated to have a baby, girls that are amazing mothers….it just seems so easy to have a baby. Then you wake up one day and realize that this nightmare is real, the struggle is real, the heartache is real, & it hurts.

However the hurt is easy to work through when you have Christ carrying you. I feel sadness for any girl struggling with fertility issues & doesn’t know the Lord like I do. I can’t imagine where they find their strength, where they find joy, or how they find a smile here & there. Though this particular chapter in my life has been more than wearing on my heart it’s also been one of the most rewarding times in my life.

It’s funny how in times of heartache & struggle that’s when we really seek the Lord. It’s sad that it’s usually that way for most, but it’s the truth. It’s easy to come to Him when we need Him. I will admit that through all this I have sought Him more than I ever have before.

Living with Spina Bifida & enduring 15 surgeries, 2 toes amputations, countless infections, several “scares”, endless hospital visits; I’ve sought Him a lot in my times of need, but not like I am seeking Him now.

You may think I’m only seeking Him b/c of my desire to have a baby; that’s part of it. Now more than ever before it’s b/c the more I seek Him the more I find Him. I’m learning so much about the Lord and realizing just how much He really loves me. I’m seeking Him now b/c He’s changing my life. He’s renewing in me the desire to live, He’s showing me how blessed I am, He’s showing me how deep & how wide His love for me is, He’s showing me His grace, His forgiveness, His gentleness, His strength, He’s showing me that when I need rest He’s there, He’s showing me when I need guidance He’s there, when I need joy He’s there, He’s showing me areas of my heart He wants to clean up, heal, & make new again.

How can you not want to seek Him more when He is God of everything of your life? He’s amazing & I’ve known it all my life, but I praise Him that we have the ability to learn more & more about Him each time we meet with Him. It’s overwhelming in the most amazing way.

Thank You, Lord, for your sweet Spirit upon my life. I am nothing without You & I wouldn’t get through any of this if it weren’t for Your guidance & strength. All praise & glory be to You Jesus who is my everything. I love you.

Luke 11:9-10  ⁹ “And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. ¹⁰ For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

The More I Seek You by Kari Jobe

The more I seek you,
the more I find you 
The more I find you, the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath, here your heart beat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming