Live Every Moment As Though It Were Your Last

happy 3rd birthday gradybug designs

2012-01-30T15:41:00.002-05:00

Check out this amazing giveaway!

http://www.gradybugdesigns.com/2012/01/27/happy-3rd-birthday-gradybug-designs/#comment-1504

Mason Jordan Kerns

2011-03-22T11:52:00.001-04:00

Storytime Blue Baby Announcements

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A Love Letter.

2010-12-22T15:17:00.000-05:00

With my precious little boy almost here I decided I wanted to write him a letter. A letter that I can read to him when he’s here, a letter he can look back on as he gets older, & a letter that will remind us both just how much I love him.

There really is no way of explaining just how much joy & love my heart feels these days. As we get closer to his arrival I get more and more anxious to meet the precious soul that God had entrusted Jordan & I will.

Though the journey to get to this point has been full of many different kinds of tears; I’m so thankful to have gone through all of it. I believe that b/c of all we’ve been through I appreciate this life inside of me so much more & I trust God with him more.

God has been so incredibly faithful to Jordan & I & I’m honored to be able to give Him praise for all the joys in my life. He deserves all the glory!

Just a handful of weeks left until our little man is here! I cannot wait for you all to meet him!

Be praying for our C-section; that everything will be in sync with God’s timing. From the moment this little man is ready to come out to the time my c-section is scheduled, to the time I awake from the procedure to meet him for the first time; just be praying over us all for a completely safe, healthy, and successful procedure.

I look forward to posting pictures of him when he’s here!!

I love you all & I thank you for following along, but more importantly I thank you for all your prayers.

To my precious Mason,

There are not enough words to explain to you how thankful to God I am for you and how much I love you.

You may never understand how great of a miracle you are to your father and I, but just know that you are very special to us. We waited a long time for you to become part of our lives and we count you as the biggest blessing God has given to us thus far.

As I write this letter to you I’m feeling you move and kick all around in my belly. Feeling you move throughout the day has been one of the best feelings in the world to me. Although, your strength sometimes takes my breath away. ;)

These last 8 months have been incredible! J Seeing your heartbeat for the first time, seeing your face on the ultrasound screen, watching you yawn, stretch, and wave to us, feeling your first case of hiccups, watching my belly grow as you grow, and lately feeling you kick my ribs on a daily basis….it’s been amazing and I have loved every second of having you a part of me.

I’m so excited for you to get here so that I can kiss your little cheeks , hold you in my arms, and spend your first moments on this earth lifting you up in prayer to Jesus. I know that a part of me will miss feeling you move around daily inside my belly. My goodness…how I love you so much my beautiful son!

I never realized how much my heart could love something until I became pregnant with you. I love your father so deeply and thought how can I love another soul as much as I love him, but my love for you is completely different than my love for your dad. It’s a new love; a love that has brought new meaning into my life. I have a love so deep for you, my precious Mason that I would do ANYTHING for you. Anything at all.

I want you to know that your father and I will constantly seek the Lord’s guidance while raising you in hopes that we will be the best parents to you as we can be and praying that we make the best decisions for your life. We know that God has an incredible plan for you my sweet little man and we pray that as you grow up through life that you begin to see that plan He’s given to you specifically.

We pray that you understand early just how incredible God’s love is and just how much He loves YOU. You are so very precious to your father and I, but God counts you even more precious than we ever could. He loves you that much.

We want you to know that as your parents we will love and support you no matter what. We believe in you and we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you will be an incredible man that will accomplish even more than what we could hope for.

I pray that you will never forget how much I love you and remember that as your mother I will always be here for you; praying for you, supporting you, believing in you, wanting nothing but the best for you. I pray you always find your strength in the Lord and that your heart is constantly filled with joy. There will be hardships along the way, but I pray that in your moments of trial you will know to look to the Lord for strength and know that you can always come to your father and I.

I love you so much Mason Jordan Kerns. You have made my heart so much happier than I ever thought it could be. I will cherish each moment that we share as mother and son. You are my precious baby boy and always will be. I pray you know just how much you mean to me.

With all my love,

Your mother

Psalm 139:13-14

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Isaiah 49:1-2

¹ Listen to me, all you in distant lands!
      Pay attention, you who are far away!
   The Lord called me before my birth;
      from within the womb he called me by name.
² He made my words of judgment as sharp as a sword.
      He has hidden me in the shadow of his hand.
      I am like a sharp arrow in his quiver.

Matthew 22:37

³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’^[a]

Totally in love…

2010-11-17T11:46:00.000-05:00

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Well it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged. I’m a slacker I know. ;)

Preparing for Baby Kerns has been a busy thing! There’s so many things you need to get & get done for your first baby & I’m a little overwhelmed. However, I know that God will totally provide in all the areas we need Him to.

Over the last couple months we’ve been busy with our normal everyday things & anticipating the arrival of our little man. J

My tummy has definitely grown in size more & more the last 2 weeks than it has my entire pregnancy I believe. Yet, I’m still in my pre pregnancy jeans so I’m thankful for that. I cannot button them, but hey, who needs to button their pants when they have a Bella Band. So far this has been my favorite piece of clothing throughout my pregnancy. It’s awesome! I recommend it to any pregnant woman. http://www.ingridandisabel.com/bellaband.html

I’m totally loving pregnancy these days, but I find myself very uncomfortable as my belly continues to grow. My back hurts at the end of the day, walking seems like I’m doing a full workout, laying down at night just isn’t the same, my stomach is squished so when I’m hungry I can only put little amounts in otherwise I’m absolutely miserable, & my legs are swelling. All that to say I LOVE IT! I love it all! As I was praying this morning I was not feeling the greatest as my morning sickness has made a slight return every now & then, but I couldn’t help but thank the Lord for all of the things I seem to find myself complaining about lately. How can I not give Him praise even for all the negative things!?! He has blessed me with this incredible baby boy that I’m going to love so much more than I thought my heart could love something in this way.

I’m finding myself falling in love with this precious baby boy & it’s a love that I just cannot explain. As I fall more & more in love with him, I find myself falling more & more in love with my husband, Jordan (http://jkerns.blogspot.com/). My heart is just overflowing with love & it’s the most incredible feeling in the world.

I’m going to be a mom, I’m going to have a son, my husband & I are going to have a family…it’s all so amazing & it’s all because of Jesus! I give Him all the credit b/c He is the one who loved us enough despite all our failures to bless us in such a way.

On another note, there’s been so many other things going on as we are preparing for our little man. Jordan & I have seen so many great things happening in the lives around us & we are also seeing some situations that totally break our heartS into a million pieces. Situations that wear so heavy on us that some days I feel like I can’t breathe. Then I realize that stressing, worrying, & feeling overwhelmed by situations that I cannot change isn’t good for me or for the baby. So I try to chill. I’m learning that not only do I have to trust the Lord with situations in my life; I have to learn to trust Him with situations that aren’t mine. There is power in prayer & I will continue to lift up those around me struggling to find answers & happiness. That’s all I can do at this point. The Lord is faithful & His plan is perfect so I will lean on His word & know that He’s got everything under control.

As I wrap up this blog I wanted to share a link for our maternity photos. Nicole Mehl Photography did an incredible job. She is a very talented photographer & she’s a beautiful person inside & out. If you ever need a photographer check her out! http://www.nicolemehlphotography.com/ Check out some of our photos here: http://www.nicolemehl.com/?p=251

Love you all!

Excitement!!

2010-10-13T15:40:00.003-04:00

Well the 6 month mark is here! 24 weeks this week! I can’t believe it! AH! My belly is growing pretty quickly! It’s amazing yet at the same time weird for me…I’m not a huge fan of having a big belly, but I’m thankful to know that there is a beautiful little boy in there & he’s a healthy little guy. So, I’ll enjoy this large bump. ;)

I’m LOVING this 2^nd trimester. I feel great, I’m eating well, I’m enjoying all the wonderful fall activities, & I’m getting more & more excited to see my little man!!!

He is definitely a little squirmier; I feel him moving around all day long. Some days more than others. There are days when it feels like he’s having a dance party. It’s such an incredible feeling. When he’s calm & not moving I actually miss feeling him. L It’s all so new & so weird to me, but so stinking exciting!

You know what I’m most excited about when Mason gets here!?! (Oh gosh…the tears are flowing…my word…hormonal girl over here.) Anyway…I’m sooooooo excited to hold him in my arms, anoint him with oil, & pray over him; my husband, Jordan (http://jkerns.blogspot.com/) & I with Mason together for the first time & spending that first moment with God. That’s what I’m most excited about. It may seem crazy I know, but after all He’s done for us I want the 1^st moment we have as a family to be spent with the God who allowed us to become a family. I can’t wait for Mason to hear the both of us lifting up his life to his Creator & the One that will love him so much more than Jord & I will. I want the 1^st few words that reach his ears outside of the womb to be the words we lift in praise to God. J

Anyway, that’s enough from this emotional girl today! ;)

Here is a shot of apples my hubby took while we were apple picking a couple weekends ago:

Baby Kerns!!!

2010-09-23T16:35:00.000-04:00

Ok ok ok…I know…I’m the worst blogger on the face of blog world. I’m such a slacker! ;)

As I’m sure you’ve already guessed by now….I’M PREGNANT!! Ahhhhhhh!!!! The news has been around Twitter, Facebook, & email. Plus considering I’m five months along now I figured most of you know by now.

It’s been so incredible!! I can’t even begin to explain the elation I feel; that Jordan & I both feel!

When we got back from our cruise the 3^rd week of May I slowly started to notice changes in my body & I just knew I was pregnant. I waited to take a pregnancy test until it was 5 days before my period & sure enough on Monday, May 24^th that little digital reader read “PREGNANT”. I was soooo excited!!

I ended up waiting to let Jordan find out until he woke up. I wrote him a sweet little note & left the test on the note for him to see. I wanted him to be able to react to the news w/o feeling like he had to act a certain way in front of me. Even though we both were excited we still had awhile to wait until we knew for sure this was it.

I called the dr. that morning & they scheduled an appt for me that afternoon to come in & learn how to start my Lovenox shots & to have a blood draw. It was really happening again & everything was going so quickly. Which was a great thing!

I started the shots that day & continue to give myself a shot each morning. It was a challenge the first couple days, but now I’ve got the hang of it & don’t mind the few moments of pain it causes. I’ll take any pain as long as I know I get to carry this precious baby full term.

My levels came back that Tuesday the 25^th and they were in the 300s. That’s the highest they had ever been that early so I was hopeful. We repeated the test again that Friday and my levels came back in the 1600s!!! I was so excited. We ended up repeating the test one more time the following Tuesday, June 1^st & my levels shot up to the 6,000s! The nurse said my levels looked great & they were really excited for me. They went ahead & scheduled an ultrasound for me to make sure everything looked good & that the baby was in my uterus this time instead of my tube. So much good news, so many great feelings of emotion, so much changing….this was real & it has been what I’ve prayed for & He was truly blessing us.

I ended up having another ultrasound around week 8 to continue to make sure that everything was looking great and the baby was doing great.

At this point there are so many great things to share so I’ll try to keep it short & sweet.

I’m almost 22 weeks as of today and we are having a healthy baby boy. I had an amniocentesis done to make sure the baby didn’t have Spina Bifida or any other genetic disorders and the results came back showing that our baby boy is completely healthy! He’s growing beautifully and everything is so great!

I had a horrible time with the morning sickness all day and all night up until about week 16. It was not fun and I lost a lot of weight, but praise God it has passed and I’m feeling great now. I’ve really been able to enjoy my pregnancy lately. I’m finally getting used to my growing belly and enjoying the non stop kicking and moving my little man creates inside my tummy.

I will do a better job of blogging this incredible journey! Thank you all so much for following, but more importantly thank you so much for all your prayers!

Week 8

Week 21

The Time Has Come….

2010-04-26T11:30:00.002-04:00

Well now begins that time that Jordan & I will officially start trying again! Ahh!!! I find myself feeling so many different feelings. I’m excited, I’m nervous, I’m scared…however, I know all I need to feel is TRUST.

Over the last few months I have learned how to fully trust God with everything in my life especially this. It’s been a whirlwind & it’s been hard. However, I wouldn’t change any of the pain I’ve felt the last year. I have grown so much in my relationship with Him; I fallen more & more in love with Him, and I’ve seen the fruits of my obedience reflected in my marriage, in my attitude, & more importantly in my heart.

We’ve been going through a sermon series on Sundays called The Blessed Life. I have learned a lot about tithe & giving during the series but yesterday God really touched me with the message we watched. Listening to the pastor speak yesterday, my heart was just being tugged & tugged. I’ve had the mindset throughout the series that I need to give more & make sure that my heart is cheerful as I give & also to make sure that my heart is not expecting something from God in return. That’s been hard for me…I want so badly to have a baby & I just keep asking Him “Lord bless us with a baby as we continue to give what is yours back to you.” At the end of the service I was singing & stopped to tell God that I will give Him everything if He asked me to just so that I could have a baby. It was in that moment He clearly told me that I know better than that. I had to stop & think about what He meant. In my usual haste I asked Him what He meant. He spoke to my heart letting me know that all He wants from me is to be completely satisfied with Him with or without a baby. Duh Krista!?!

Over the last few months that’s exactly where I’ve gotten. I’ve become satisfied in my relationship with Him that if it were just me, Him, & Jord the rest of my life, then that would be ok. It’s not the desire of my heart, but I’ve learned to love & trust Him enough to be ok with whatever His will may be.

So after my “duh” moment with God I lifted my hands apologizing for my selfish heart & continued to offer everything I had for His kingdom as long as I had His love & peace upon my life eternally. (Deep down I’m hoping He doesn’t have me give everything though… LOL! What!?! I’m human!) ;)

I’m amazed at the things God teaches us in moments we’d never expect it. He’s amazing! I know I’ve said it plenty, but honestly, I’ll never be able to say it enough.

I’m looking forward to the next couple weeks & months. I’m sure it’ll have it’s ups & down, but I’m going to fully trust in Him & make sure that I keep the fear & anxiety out of my mind that Satan constantly wants me to feel. I trust in God’s will fully and no matter the outcome of this next attempt I will continue to give Him all honor, all glory, and all praise.

Be praying for us as we begin to try again! :) I may not blog for awile depending on how things goes, but I’ll keep you updated as much as I can. I love you all & thank you for following our journey. I pray that my next blog will be full of good news!!

Before I end this post I wanted to share a song that the Lord has placed upon my ears 2 different times in the last week or so. It was a song that when I heard it both times I felt His prescense & knew I was supposed to listen closely. There are a lot of songs like that, but this one definitely hit home & gave me some encouragement.

As I was trying to find it on youtube this morning I found the story behind it. You always imagine that a song that touches your life is meant for you & your situation. Hearing the story behind the song made me realize that God definitely wanted me to hear this song & I’m so thankful He did. Though my situation is completely different than the couple the song was written about I still feel a connection & find even more encouragement in that song than I did. God is so amazing! To be told to abort a pregnancy, then to fully trust God, & then to see His healing hand upon that baby. Wow!! His power is undeniable when we learn to FULLY trust in Him.

I just balled my eyes out listening to that story; not so much b/c of the story, but b/c I was seeing again just how much God wants me to understand the importance of trusting in Him completely. It’s been what He’s taught me most the last few months & it’s what I will continually strive to do.

No matter the situation in your life you must trust Him completely & when you think you have trust Him more.

The song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZDQzR8LK-c&NR=1

The story behind this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1ZQKzzyaJI&NR=1

Before the Morning by Josh Wilson
Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you?
If there's a God who loves you
Where is He now?

Or maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday, somehow you'll see, you'll see

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
And you know where you're going
You just don't know how you'll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on
'Cause there's good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time, but you'll see the bigger picture

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning

Yeah, yeah, before the morning
Yeah, yeah

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory, memory, memory, yeah

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

Come on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the hurt before the healing

Oh, the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning
Yeah, yeah, before the morning
Yeah, yeah, before the morning

Right? Left? Up? Down? Face forward? Turn around? Where am I going!?! What in the world is going on!?! Ahhhhhhhh!!!

2010-04-01T16:23:00.002-04:00

I haven’t really blogged in about a month. There is so much to tell. That’s what I get for procrastinating. I know, I know. My apologies. ;)

Well, since my last official blog my levels finally reached 0. They were at 3 when I went back in on March 8^th. PTL!!! Finally some good news & a chance to move forward!

When they finally were low enough I went in to meet with Dr. Mauck. He told me that everything looked good, that he didn’t think it was necessary for me to have the surgery to go in & look at everything to make sure my tubes were not clogged & that my uterus looked ok, he said that he would like to run the recurrent miscarriage blood panel, & told Jordan & I to go ahead & start trying again.

I was a little hesitant to take the blood panel b/c it was $2800 procedure. However, when I called my insurance they said that they would cover 100%. What a huge relief! So of course with 100% coverage there was no reason not to do it.

The following Thursday I went in for the panel. They drew 7 vials of blood and told me they’d call me as my results came in. The next Monday they called to tell me that 3 of my tests came back; 2 of which had great results & 1 that wasn’t horrible, but not great. First they told me I didn’t have Lupus, then they told me I didn’t have the main blood clotting gene; both of these huge results had me so giddy I didn’t care about the negative result. The other test was that I have a mutated gene that makes it hard for my body to absorb folic acid. That wasn’t a huge surprise to me with my Spina Bifida. So, they increased my folic acid dosage to 4mg a day which is about 100x more than a normal woman TTC would take. The hope is that at least a 1/3 of what I take my body will allow for absorption. Test results were still coming in, but so far they were good. No complaints.

Last week the nurse called to go over some more results. Most of the tests looked great, but there was one that brought some concern to them. She let me know that I had a gene that indicated that I had a blood disease creating blood clotting. Disease!?! What!?! Are you kidding me!?! My heart sake & my mind was immediately confused. Didn’t they just tell me last week that I didn’t have the blood clotting disease.

She let me know there wasn’t much information she could give me at this time that I needed to see my family doctor. I saw Dr. Howe last Friday & he explained as much as he could to me, but basically let me know that he’s never seen a result like mine & wanted me to visit a Hematologist.

I went to the Hematologist on Tuesday where he thoroughly explained to me the blood disease that I have. Basically I have gotten one gene from each parent creating a Homozygous

genetic disorder. This blood disease allows my heart to build up plague more easily than most and it allows my blood to clot more easily than most. The 2 issues together making me at a high risk for heart disease & heart attacks. What this means for the rest of my life is just making sure I take good care of myself, maintain a healthy diet, a healthy lifestyle, & paying close attention to my heart. They put me on a baby aspirin regimen. I will take that for the rest of my life as long as things within my heart don’t get any worse.

I ended up letting the hematologist know of some recent heart pain so they immediately sent me to have a CT scan done where they found that everything looked just fine. He said that my pain was probably stressed induced & just asked that I try to relax more often. HA! ;)

So, what does all this mean for my ability to get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy. Well as soon as I get pregnant I will be put on blood thinners and we’ll just trust in the Lord that everything will work out & I’ll carry a baby to full term. J

I will say this week was definitely hard. Sitting in the hematologists’ office after learning more about the fact I have a blood disease was a very hard moment. I wanted to give up. I thought to myself “Lord, you say that you won’t give us more than we can handle, but don’t you think you’ve given me enough to deal with?” Spina Bifida & all of it’s lovely conditions, pregnancy issues, & now a blood disease. Really? Are you kidding me? I definitely hit a low spot & a spot of pure sadness. It didn’t last long though.

It’s still hard to think about; to know that I live with more disabilities & disease than most, but then I realize that I count it an honor to be given such hardships b/c God knows that I love Him so much that even through all of this “junk” I will still give Him praise & honor & glory….as much as I wanted to give up on Tuesday; I could never give up on Him. He’s been too good to me & given me so much to live for. How could I forsake the God who gives me all the blessings He has.

So…as I continue to grasp the recent turns my life has made; I will continue to remind all of you that follow my blog that no matter what happens in my life I will continue to shine for Him b/c He is that amazing & if you don’t know Him in such a way that allows you to praise Him in the hardest times of your life I challenge you to get to know Him better. He will give you the most incredible amounts of joy especially on the days when all you think you can do is cry.

It’s not easy….I know it won’t be for awhile….and that’s ok.

I choose to love Him & thank Him even for these moments of heartache, confusion, and sadness.

Jordan & I will keep trucking allowing praying for His strength & guidance as we face each new trial. Please be praying for us as well.

We love you all!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!! (That’s a good “ah” & a stressed “ah”)

2010-03-25T16:46:00.002-04:00

So much to say, but so little time!

I’ll start with this & I’ll blog more later this week!

Ok so I met with my Dr about a week ago; he said that at this point there is no need for surgery to see how things “look” on the inside, but he wanted to go ahead and proceed with the blood panel.

I went in on Friday of last week to have several vials of blood taken to find out that I don’t have Lupus & I don’t have the hereditary blood clotting gene!!!!!! Wahoooooooooooooooo!!! Two huge PTL!!

However, I got a call about an hour ago and another one of my tests came back indicating that I have a predisposing gene that makes my blood clot easier than others. They couldn’t give me much information on what that means for my overall health so I meet with my family doctor tomorrow. They did say though as soon as I get pregnant they will put me on blood thinners.

So that’s that. I asked for answers; I got some good, one bad, but you know what…it’s all ok!! I am completely trusting in Him!!

I have a lot more to say, but literally no time right now. Check back soon though!!

It's Overwhelming

2010-02-23T15:50:00.000-05:00

February 23, 2010

Today as I sit reflecting over the last week I find myself disappointed. Disappointed in my attitude over things lately; disappointed I’ve let my exhaustion & my frustration get the best of me more than not over the last few days. Still something I’m working on. I’m learning to have more control over my emotions lately; it’s a struggle, but I’m learning! :)

Well, lets see; last Monday my levels dropped to 14 and as of yesterday they were only at 8. It’s a slow drop and it’s frustrating, but at least there isn’t any rise. I don’t go back in for another test until March 8^th in which they hope my levels will be at zero. At that point we’ll get moving on my other tests & procedures.

I count myself lucky for the situation I’m in b/c I’ve learned in the last week from 2 close friends of mine that things could be worse for me. I see 2 of my friends struggling on a deeper level of fertility issues; levels I can’t imagine to be at, levels I can’t imagine to work through, and here I am blogging about how hard things are with where I’m at. (It’s not that they were trying to make me feel that my situation is less than theirs.) My situation is nothing compared to the heartache, the anger, the confusion, the stress, the sadness of what they are facing. It breaks my heart to see my friends hurting & struggling through something like this. I know there is nothing I can do or say to help the heaviness they feel as they strive to find answers. All I can do is pray & remind them I love them & I’m here for them. If you girls are reading this blog (& you know who you are) please know how much I love you & how much my heart aches for what you are going through, but I will continue to reach the Heavens for you & will continue to BELIEVE for VICTORY in this area of your life. I’m here w/you.

When you’re a little girl you dream of finding your prince charming and creating a family w/your prince. (I have the most amazing prince ever! Check him out on his blog: http://jkerns.blogspot.com/ Gotta give my baby a plug!) You never even think about how hard having a baby could be. You see tons of girls getting pregnant all while growing up; girls that don’t even want babies, girls that have abortions, girls that could care less about being good mothers, girls that are elated to have a baby, girls that are amazing mothers….it just seems so easy to have a baby. Then you wake up one day and realize that this nightmare is real, the struggle is real, the heartache is real, & it hurts.

However the hurt is easy to work through when you have Christ carrying you. I feel sadness for any girl struggling with fertility issues & doesn’t know the Lord like I do. I can’t imagine where they find their strength, where they find joy, or how they find a smile here & there. Though this particular chapter in my life has been more than wearing on my heart it’s also been one of the most rewarding times in my life.

It’s funny how in times of heartache & struggle that’s when we really seek the Lord. It’s sad that it’s usually that way for most, but it’s the truth. It’s easy to come to Him when we need Him. I will admit that through all this I have sought Him more than I ever have before.

Living with Spina Bifida & enduring 15 surgeries, 2 toes amputations, countless infections, several “scares”, endless hospital visits; I’ve sought Him a lot in my times of need, but not like I am seeking Him now.

You may think I’m only seeking Him b/c of my desire to have a baby; that’s part of it. Now more than ever before it’s b/c the more I seek Him the more I find Him. I’m learning so much about the Lord and realizing just how much He really loves me. I’m seeking Him now b/c He’s changing my life. He’s renewing in me the desire to live, He’s showing me how blessed I am, He’s showing me how deep & how wide His love for me is, He’s showing me His grace, His forgiveness, His gentleness, His strength, He’s showing me that when I need rest He’s there, He’s showing me when I need guidance He’s there, when I need joy He’s there, He’s showing me areas of my heart He wants to clean up, heal, & make new again.

How can you not want to seek Him more when He is God of everything of your life? He’s amazing & I’ve known it all my life, but I praise Him that we have the ability to learn more & more about Him each time we meet with Him. It’s overwhelming in the most amazing way.

Thank You, Lord, for your sweet Spirit upon my life. I am nothing without You & I wouldn’t get through any of this if it weren’t for Your guidance & strength. All praise & glory be to You Jesus who is my everything. I love you.

Luke 11:9-10 ⁹ “And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. ¹⁰ For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

The More I Seek You by Kari Jobe

The more I seek you,
the more I find you
The more I find you, the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath, here your heart beat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

Worry

2010-02-11T10:42:00.002-05:00

February 11, 2010

Well my levels had gone down on Friday by 2 and then again a little more on Monday. My doctor was pleased with the drop so I will continue to have my blood taken until my levels are at 0. What a waiting game!

I realized that when the nurse called me to tell me of the drop I wasn’t exactly thrilled about the “good” news. I wanted more of a drop & I wanted it to finally be at 0. I’m sick of being poked each week & I’m tired of waiting for my levels to get low enough. I just want to move on from this pregnancy & get all my further testing done so that when spring finally gets here Jordan & I will be ready to try again.

In my haste to move forward, God reminded me that sometimes He doesn’t want us to move that fast & that sometimes you need to be thankful for the little steps forward He gives us. He’s plan is perfect & so is His pace. Guess I need God to help me with my patience too! But if you know me at all you know that something I’ve needed help with for as long as I’ve been alive pretty much! LOL! I have no patience…ok well I have some…Lord give me more…please! ;)

God has been so good this week as He is always. He’s answered a couple prayers for me this week & it’s so amazing to see God’s hand upon certain situations & how He works everything out. There’s so many things that weigh heavy upon my heart these days, but the more I seek Him the more I find Him already working in those things. I need to remember not to worry; to just trust.

My husband reminded me of this verse this morning & as I read it I applied it in several areas of my life. I encourage you to do the same.

Matthew 6:25-34

²⁵ “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? ²⁷ Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
²⁸ “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, ²⁹ yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. ³⁰ And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
³¹ “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ ³² These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. ³³ Seek the Kingdom of God^[a] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
³⁴ “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

Greatness is just around the corner!

2010-02-05T10:37:00.002-05:00

I’m constantly amazed at the goodness of Christ. He is so AMAZING! My oh my oh my!!! :)

Well let me fill you in. I’ve been having my blood taken every week for the last few weeks and my HcG levels have been dropping really well until this past Monday. They decided to go up! Ugh!

So, I went in this morning for another test and we’ll hopefully see another drop. If there is a raise I’m not sure where we go from here.

I’m believing in a GREAT report though. I’m not going to worry or stress b/c I know Christ is on my side & no matter what He’ll make a way to get me through. I’m a warrior! :)

I’ve been realizing more and more the last few weeks as I’ve grown in Christ & allowed myself to really trust Him that Satan just likes to throw himself my way. It was a struggle emotionally this morning to not get upset or stressed out or worried about the results today. There’s so many “what ifs” and it was hard to not cry with worry. I know that my strength comes from above & when I call upon the name of Jesus, He is there.

Though my early morning may have been rough, my late morning has been full of praise & excitement!! When you ask God for joy He gives it!! I’ve been jamming to some good old Out of Eden & some Martha Munizzi! Good stuff!! :)

I have some pretty amazing friends too! When I need some up lifting & when I need some encouragement I can always count on them. It’s a blessing to know that you can lean on your brothers & sisters in Christ to help carry you when you feel you need some extra help. One of our friends sent me this email this morning:

A new season is just around the corner for you two. Forget about anything you think He has for you because it’s bigger than that. When you see it…it may not look like what you thought….but Joy is coming. And you are never going to be the same. I promise you. Victory like you have never had is going to rise up like you never experienced. A new strength is going to overtake you and take you into your destiny in God.

How do you not get so excited when you know that not only do you see God’s greatness for your life, but your loved ones to do!?! How can you not praise Him for that!?!

Excited!!!

2010-01-18T16:33:00.000-05:00

Well after my 2^nd treatment my levels have consistently gone down! Praise the Lord!!

On Friday they were in the 700s and today they are in the 400s!

They’re heading in the right track. My pain has gone down tremendously and I’m confident that everything will be fine.

I’m looking forward to the next 3 months. I’m looking forward to putting my mind at ease and not stress so much about trying to get pregnant or stressing about having a healthy pregnancy. I’m looking forward to being able to completely put my focus on Christ!

God has been cleaning my heart out lately & doing a lot of work on me. It’s been hard yet pretty amazing at the same time.

Last year was a hard year for me with the emotional roller coaster Jordan & I were on & I declared that 2010 would be an amazing year. I spent the 1^st week of 2010 in prayer every night on my knees about different things each night & God showed me some areas of my heart that I really need work on.

I hate to admit it but I’ve become somewhat of a bitter, harden, angry person lacking trust in Him over the last couple years with all the losses Jordan & I have personally faced & He’s showing me how much He loves me & wants to heal my heart. He’s also helped me to realize that I’ve never fully trusted Him with my life & He’s right. L

He’s been doing some pretty amazing things at Calvary as well. Our worship time has been amazing & our altar time as well. Jordan has really been seeking & growing more & more in the Lord lately as well & its amazing to see how much more God will use you when you’re getting to know Him on a new, fresh, deeper level; a level that makes you somewhat vulnerable.

Our worship time has been full of excitement & the anointing of the Holy Spirit has been so powerful I can barely sing & stand. Yesterdays sermon was about faith & trust. Ha! Talk about timing….just what I needed to learn more about it. Our altars were completely filled with people willing to step out & trust God on a deeper level…we shouted to the rooftops the song “THE ENEMY HAS BEEN DEFEATED, DEATH COULDN’T HOLD YOU DOWN, WE’RE GONNA LIFT OUR VOICE IN VICTORY, WE’RE GONNA MAKE YOUR PRAISES LOUD! SHOUT UNTO GOD WITH A VOICE OF TRIUMPH, SHOUT UNTO GOD WITH A VOICE OF PRAISE!” (check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X--jzuVTZqM&feature=related or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLQEI1Ftiz8&feature=related)

It was awesome & I’ve been needing God’s presence like that lately. I’ve needed to see His power is still real especially in my life.

It’s been a struggle for me the last year to love Him like I need to, but He’s doing a work in me; physically, spiritually, & emotionally. And I couldn’t be happier for the cleansing & renewing He’s allowing me to go through.

I’m so excited for 2010. I’m excited for what God is doing in my life, in Jordan’s life, in our marriage, & in Calvary; & I can only imagine what He’s going to do in the lives of those around Jordan & I that we are on our knees for.

2010 is going to be the year where God’s power is beaming again; I feel it & I’m excited! I’ve needed His presence so much…I can’t even explain it.

I’ve got a lot of hurt & confusion to still work through so I’ve had my ups & downs, but I’m confident that God’s power is real & His word is true. If you asked me a couple months ago if I thought His power & His word were true I would’ve honestly had a hard time answering….BUT THE ENEMY HAS BEEN DEFEATED, DEATH COULDN’T HOLD YOU DOWN, WE’RE GONNA LIFT OUR VOICE IN VICTORY, WE’RE GONNA MAKE YOUR PRAISES LOUD!

I don’t care how much the cleansing of my heart will hurt….I’m ready & I want it & I’m excited! J

Even while I blog I feel His presence. Thank You Lord for what You’re doing in my life….I love You.

The journey.

2010-01-12T16:49:00.002-05:00

Well I have over a year to update the journey on and then after this blog I promise to be more up to date!

November 2008

Jordan & I discussed our future family ideas and decided to get off birth control. However, we still weren’t trying to get pregnant; yet at the same time we were not trying not to.

January 2009

I met with Dr. Mauck at River Oaks to discuss whether or not he and River Oaks would be up to the challenge that a pregnant woman with Spina Bifida could create. He was very confident that he could handle any challenge that would arise and was more than willing to be my primary Obstetrician through this whole thing. He did make sure that I knew that they had never had a woman with Spina Bifida as a patient, but ensured me they’d take very good care of me throughout it all. He said he would study Spina Bifida and we’d find ways together to make sure that my pregnancy would go as smoothly as possible. Some of the obvious differences we discussed would be my need to have a C-Section, my need for a belly/back support the more the baby grew, and the need to monitor my back, hips, and feet as I gained weight. He didn’t want me risk hurting any area of my body if the weight became to much, yet he didn’t feel my weight would be an issue. So, I walked away from that consultation feeling very confident that I had picked the right doctor and the “trying” began!

April 2009

I started using an Ovulation calendar to keep track of when I was ovulating to increase my odds of becoming pregnant. January through March we just kind of went with the flow not really knowing much about the timing of everything.

May 2009

I became pregnant for the 1^st time! I was elated yet at the same time TERRIFIED. I wasn’t sure I was completely ready and when I saw the test and said PREGNANT I just balled. I sat in the bathroom for a few minutes, then came out to tell Jordan the news and I just lost it. I was so scared. I was scared that the pregnancy would kill me b/c of my Spina Bifida, I was scared I wasn’t ready, I was scared we got pregnant too soon, I was scared we tried to early, I was scared I would be an awful mom, I was scared we wouldn’t have enough money….I was scared of so many things but at the same time so excited. We told our family and our closest friends and they shared in the excitement with us.

June 2009

About 5 weeks into the pregnancy I started to wake up every morning around 5am with awful cramps. I called the doctor and they said it was probably just implantation bleeding. This went on for the next 2 weeks and one more it happened around 5am and again around 7am and I was in so much pain I could barely walk. The cramping would only last about 5 minutes and then it would go away and I’d feel fine. The morning it came and went 2x is when I told the nurse something just wasn’t right. They continued to tell me not to worry, that cramping was normal, and until I started to see bleeding I shouldn’t worry. Well that night I started bleeding. I called the dr on call and he had me to go the hospital to have my blood taken so they could see where my levels were. The next morning I went to the doctor’s office where they told me I was experiencing a miscarriage and the cramping I was feeling were actual contractions. My body knew the pregnancy was no good and was trying to go into “labor” to rid of the pregnancy.

I was devastated. I had been through a lot of heartache throughout my life and more in the last couple years than I could’ve ever imagine, but this was 100x worse than all of that pain. I couldn’t grasp any sort of understanding. I couldn’t believe I was going through this type of situation; that I was enduring such heartache. Sp many thoughts and emotions were running through my mind. I cried off and on for weeks. I dealt with hurt, sadness, anger, jealousy, bitterness….any negative feeling; you name it, I felt it. I can’t even explain how I felt.

I knew in time God would heal my heart and Jordan and I would try again. Little did I realize how hard it all would get…..

July through November 2009

Trying, trying, trying, trying, trying. No success. Frustrated, confused, worried, anxious.

November 30, 2009

After a year of no success of a healthy pregnancy I met with Dr. Mauck regarding possible infertility issues. Before my appt the nurse asked me to use an Ovulation Predictor Kit that month and when I came in I’d discuss more with the doctor. In using the OPK I realized that I was ovulating about 4 days earlier than what I thought I had been this whole time. Could my lack of pregnancy just be a timing issue!?!

Dr. Mauck decided right away to put me on Clomid in December and we’d see what would happen from there. (Clomid http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-11204-Clomid.aspx?drugid=11204&drugname=Clomid)

December 4, 2009

It was 5 days until I would’ve started my period, but I took a pregnancy test just by chance and guess what!?! PREGNANT for the 2^nd time!!! Timing!! That had to have been it!!! Thank You Lord for another shot at being pregnant!!!

I called the doctor right away and they had me come in right away to check my levels. Levels were at 99!!!

December 7, 2009

Levels checked again. They were at 200! Things were looking great. My Progesterone was great as well. Things were heading in the right direction!

December 14, 2009

Levels dropped to 99 and the nurse told me that I would have a miscarriage. I was yet again devastated, but this time SO angry.

December 16, 2009

Started miscarrying.

I thought the 1^st miscarriage was hard, but this 2^nd one really questioned God. I know as Christians are faith is to be put in Christ and we are to stand firm in our trust with Him. Well…I doubted. I doubted it all. I doubted how much He care for me, I doubted His love for me, I doubted His word, I doubted His promise. I was angry….so angry. And I tried so hard to be angry at Him, but my heart just knew better. So, I struggled with who to be angry at. For days I would just cry and scream and yell. I didn’t understand how this could’ve happened to me again and right before Christmas, my favorite holiday. Why? That was the famous question and NO ONE could answer it for me. Not even Dr. Mauck who I hoped would give me some sort of answer to hold on to. Nothing for everyone and the anger just built.

December 21, 2009

My levels dropped to 89. They weren’t dropping like the should be so the nurse was a little concerned.

At this point I started to feel better overall. My anger was being replaced by peace. I didn’t quite understand why He would show such grace on me at this time when I was so angry and ridiculous before, but He did b/c He’s that kind of God. I started to realize that I had ever right to feel all the feelings I did, but I had to realize that I couldn’t blame Him. He only wants what is good for us. He want to bless us, yet in the beginning I just couldn’t see past all of that.

I just started asking God for His forgiveness and for His peace. I knew if I had those 2 things that He would provide strength as well and in time I’d get through this 2^nd miscarriage and be able to move on and try again.

My heart and mind were beginning to heal, but I still had reservations in trusting Him completely. I was hesitant to get pregnant again and wondered if that would end in a miscarriage as well.

December 28, 2009

My levels shot up to 305! Was a I still pregnant? Did I miscarry a twin and I still had a healthy baby growing inside me? Was I pregnant again; already!?!

December 29, 2009

The nurse seemed very concerned and said the doctor wanted to send me to the hospital for an emergency ultrasound. She wouldn’t tell me what they were looking for; she said she wasn’t the one who should discuss this with me at the time.

I get to the hospital to see on my paperwork the words “Ectopic Pregnancy”. I lost in there in the waiting room of admitting all alone. Please God…No…I begged Him.

Jordan met me there and we waited for an hour until my ultrasound.

The radiologist who did my ultrasound said there was no sign of an Ectopic pregnancy. What a relief!! However, she found a cyst on my right ovary, but with my history of cysts it was not of concern. She also found a fluid fill sac in my uterus. Overall the ultrasound was inconclusive. Inconclusive!?! Are you kidding me!?!

The nurse called me that afternoon to tell me they wanted to check my levels again in a couple days and we’d go from there.

(Ectopic Pregnancy http://www.webmd.com/baby/tc/ectopic-pregnancy-topic-overview)

January 4, 2010

My levels shot up to 600! I was excited, but the nurse was less that excited.

January 5, 2010

Once again they sent me back to the hospital for another emergency ultrasound looking for the same thing as last time. Dr. Mauck was concerned this was a continuation of my 2^nd pregnancy and they are just now realizing it’s Ectopic.

The radiologist this time wouldn’t give me any information. She said the doctor would call me.

The nurse called that afternoon to say that Dr. Mauck was “leaning” on the side of Ectopic Pregnancy. My heart sank. So many concerns, so many risks, so many issues….how is this happening to me!?!

January 6, 2010

Jordan & I met with Dr. Mauck. We talked about my options to terminate the pregnancy. He said everything was pointing to an Ectopic and hopefully they had caught in time before any damage was done.

He said we’d have to wait 3 months from here before we could start trying again. That was the hardest thing to hear out of all of this. Yes, I was hurting b/c I was losing another pregnancy, but to know that I have to wait even longer to hold our baby in my arms hurt more than anything at the time.

During the next 3 months we’d run tests, do exams, and get some answers as to why I’ve had 2 lost pregnancy in less than a year.

Dr. Mauck wanted to do one more blood test so that he had just another confirmation this was Ectopic before we did the treatment.

My results came back confirming what he thought and he sent me to the hospital to have the Methotrexate treatment.

(Methotrexate treatment http://www.webmd.com/baby/methotrexate-for-ectopic-pregnancy)

January 7, 2010

I was in so much pain from the Ectopic pregnancy and so sick to my stomach from the Methotrexate treatment that I was miserable and laid in bed all day long.

January 9, 2010

Went in for a blood test to make sure levels were dropping and the pregnancy was terminating properly. Levels shot up 50! What!?!

January 11, 2010

Went in for another blood test to see how things were looking. Levels shot up even more! L What in the world is happening!?!

Today

Spoke to the nurse explained to her my pain is back a little bit.

The levels going up are obviously not a good sign, but the pain that is back could be good. Dr. said it could mean that the medicine is working now.

They are going to do another blood draw tomorrow morning, I’ll get the results in the afternoon, & they are hoping for a significant drop in my levels.

If there is not a significant drop we’ll do another round of the treatment and go from there.

If the 2nd round doesn’t work then I’m forced to have the surgery.

I’m fine with either way. I just don’t want whatever is going on to damage my tube in anyway. So, blog followers please pray that the medicine will work in the way it needs to, more importantly that no damage is done to my tube or anything else for that matter, and for the pain I am feeling not to increase in anyway. If it does increase or I start to feel weak, dizzy, or lightheaded I’m to go to the ER immediately and who wants to go to the ER.

In all this I’m continuing to struggle with so many questions, but God has been teaching me so much lately.

It’s a hard thing to admit to God that you don’t fully believe that His word is true. It’s hard to admit to myself, but I knew if I was going to move past all my doubts and fears then I had to admit them. Not that God doesn’t already know everything, but there’s something about confessing things to God, getting them off your chest, and stepping up to the fact that we are human but want to change.

Can God really heal us? Does God really want me to be blessed? God does hear my cry? How much does God love us if He allows us to go through so much? Does He really not give us more than we can handle?

A week ago I couldn’t answer any of those questions honestly. Today I can answer them w/o hesitation and full confidence that He only wants good for us.

This whole journey has taught me so much, but the most important thing it has taught me is that my faith & trust in Christ is so much more important than I realized and it goes so much deeper than many of us could ever imagine.

I have so much to share, yet so little time. Guess I’ll have to wait until tomorrow.

Lets document this journey.

2009-12-18T14:52:00.000-05:00

I decided that the best way to get through a rough journey is simply to talk about it. Well, I don’t want to talk about it so I thought I’d blog about it. ;)

Follow along for the interesting journey I’m on trying to have a baby!

2008-12-15T15:57:00.001-05:00

Make a Smilebox greeting

Trust

2008-12-03T12:16:00.000-05:00

Where are the people that accused me?
The ones who beat me down and bruised me
They hide just out of sight
Can't face me in the light
They'll return but I'll be stronger

God, I want to dream again
Take me where I've never been
I want to go there
This time I'm not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me

Sometimes it's hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can't see
To reach my destiny
I want to take control but I know better

Forget the fear it's just a crutch
That tries to hold you back
And turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just trust

My Cousin From Thursday October 16, 2008

2008-10-31T16:19:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I lost a good friend, an amazing cousin, and someone who brought sparkle to my life. I never knew that someone’s heart could seriously ache this much. I’ve honestly never felt pain like this. I haven’t cried this much; I haven’t been this sad….it’s just crazy how much you feel when you lose someone so close to you. Someone so young, so happy, so full of life, someone who’s future seemed great, someone who deserves to still be here. This honestly is harder than when I lost my grandpa. I knew my grandpa was ready to go home and I knew his life had been lived to the fullest. Blake didn’t get that chance, but I know he’s ok and he’s up there with grandpa looking over our family now. In feeling all that I’ve been feeling the last 2 days I just feel like I want to make sure that I get the chance to tell each of you that I love you so much and remind you how much you mean to me. I didn’t get a chance to tell my cousin how much I loved him and I’m much he meant to me before he left. I’m not going to take for granted the time I have with each of you and miss out on telling you that. So, if I don’t say enough or you forget…..I love you.

http://www.etruth.com/Know/News/Story.aspx?ID=464373

Wedding Pictures

2008-10-31T16:05:00.001-04:00

http://vibephotography.net/gallery/login.php

LOGIN: 053108
PASSWORD: eternity

Wow From July 3, 2008 - Thursday

2008-10-31T16:04:00.000-04:00

Wow! These days I just can't believe the things I hear, the things I see, the things I unfortunately count myself a part of. I've never been more disappointed in certain people in my life.

You think your life is a good reflection of what you want it to portray; you take the time to invest in people, you speak love & truth in their life, you don't judge or throw accusations, and you give and you give and you give. All for what!?! To see at the end of the day that stupid rebellious IMMATURE desires succeed over all you have done for certain people.....

I've learned over time you can't trust people; that the only one you should fully trust is Christ. I can see the hesitation in people in not wanting to trust and I understand that, but sometimes you have to take a little risk, open up your heart, talk to people, and give them a chance to be trusted. The best way to trust someone is to earn their trust in you. Speaking love to someone's face then talking negatively about them behind their back doesn't earn trust. I've learned my lessons time and time again. When I don't like someone or someone has hurt me it's hard for me to speak positively about them, but I've come to the realization over the last month that no matter how hurt or angry I am I need to keep my mouth shut. Me keep my mouth shut…hahaha…that's tough, but I'm learning.....

I think at this point I'm done investing in certain people and thinking they hold great potential of one day accomplishing the things they speak of and want. I challenge them to prove to me they hold greatness in their heart and I challenge them to prove to me they are better than the life they live now and I challenge them to prove to me they are better than the words they speak. Because right now they are only as good as the example they are to each other. Right now it probably seems fun, crazy, rebellious, and they don't care. Maybe they'll never care and maybe one day they'll grow up. .

And fake people….we all know what I think about fake people. What I love most is when fake people say they know other fake people so well and they aren't fooled…well look in the mirror; take a good hard look at yourself. If you want to be real be real, if you want to be fake be fake. Just like it says in the Bible there is no lukewarm; it's hot or cold. You want to be a part of church & love God & love people then do it; if you want to ride the fence well then "good luck" to you on that fulfilling fence.

Am I being harsh? Maybe so. Am I being honest? Yep. Do I care? Yes I really do. Am I tired of people around me? Sure am. Am I tired of people always coming to me about their dumb drama or gossip? If you have something bad to say about someone say it to their face & quit coming to me about it.

Right now I could be a bit more compassionate and loving and I'm sure God is probably disappointed in my response to disappointment, but you know what sometimes harsh honest words penetrate deeper than sugar coated compassion.

I will say this; I know first hand I am NOT perfect, but I don't pretend I am. I don't hide or cover up the things I do or lie about them. I listen to secular music, I watch tv & movies that others wouldn't watch, I do a lot of things that others might look down upon or feel convicted for doing but I NEVER do any of those things if I know I would be comprising my love for Christ or comprising the witness I strive to be daily. I LOVE JESUS CHRIST, HE'S THE ONE I LIVE FOR, and there are no ifs, ands, or butts about it. I'm not rebellious or disrespectful in the things I do either. But then again I am 26 years old; wiser and more mature than others. I don't deny I had my days of rebellious "fun", but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't fully regret the lack of difference I made in the lives of my friends around me. If I had someone to help guide me and tell me how much I would regret the things I did when I was younger I can't tell you how thankful I'd be, yet at the same time I think I love Christ more b/c of all the things I've been through and how much He's forgiven me. He is the most amazing thing to happen in anyone's life ever and I hope none of you miss out.

To the most amazing man I knew.... From April 2, 2008 - Wednesday

2008-10-31T16:02:00.000-04:00

When I think of people who inspire me and help shape me the most one of the first people that comes to my mind is my grandpa. What an amazing man....what an amazing true and pure example of Christ, what a wonderful grandpa and what a fighter. He was amazing and loved his family and people more than anyone I’ve ever seen.I could write a book on the greatness of my grandpa, Chuck Smith, but right now it’s just too hard.....Today I lost my grandpa to Leukemia but today I gained the best guardian angel. Papo, I love you so much more than you will ever know and I’ll miss you so much that I can hardly breath right now. You sure did make me proud....you made me the proudest granddaughter in the world.I love you and I’ll miss you so much.....keep an eye on us. ;) I promise I’ll make YOU proud.

Life....man it’s overwhelming at times. From March 7, 2008 - Friday

2008-10-31T16:01:00.000-04:00

Do you ever feel like life is just SO overwhelming that it's hard to even breathe? Even though you know that you have everything in your life to be thankful for and there is no reason for you to be down and out…..???..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

This week has just been a week where no matter how much I try to lay it all at the feet of Christ I just can't kick this aching that's going on in me.

Maybe I just need to let it all…maybe I just need to talk to someone….maybe I just need to take a day and just relax….maybe I just need a Valium! Hahaha…just kidding. I just don't know.

There's just so much going on. ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Jordan's grandma is not doing and honestly she really isn't expected to live much longer if she doesn't eat or drink which she's not doing much of. Then my grandpa isn't doing well and they told us yesterday they think he might make it through the weekend but not much longer after that. Then there just feels like there is still so much to do with the wedding. Then there's still so much to pay for the wedding. Then there are work issues and other financial issues. Then there's stuff with church and church people that has been weighing on my heart. My week is pre martial counseling, practice, youth, go visit our grandparents, run this errand or that errand, do this or that for the wedding, get this done or that done…..ah! Then I've been so run down that I keep getting sick. Dumb flu, then a cold, then a sore throat….then I can't sleep at night b/c I'm so stressed out so I can't get the rest I need to get better. Normally I of all people can handle anything…..it's my nature to run run run and be busy but right now it's just too much. People tell me "well slow down"….how? There is nothing that I can take a break from or what to take a break from. Everything going on in my life right now needs my full attention….

And then there's times when I feel like even in the midst of my crazy life I go out of my way for people to let them know I'm there for them….send them cards, send an out of the blue email or ecard, get them flowers, or buy them small gifts. That's me; I care a lot about people and I care a lot about making sure the people in my life are doing ok. But sometimes I feel like I give and give and give and when does anyone do that for me…..when does someone check on me; when does someone go out of their way for me. Man….I'm such a brat right now, but sometimes you just have to vent, right? ;)

This week is just one of those weeks where I'm just tired and overwhelmed and frustrated…..and I just need to vent I guess.

I know that God is amazing and I know He'll never give me more than I can handle. I know that through all this He will teach me great things. I guess I just need to stop being a brat and just look harder to see Him in all of this.

Passion that needs to be shared.... From February 21, 2008 - Thursday

2008-10-31T15:59:00.000-04:00

To my loved ones.....
I'm sending a blog that Jordan (my fiancé) wrote today; why do you ask....well because is passion that I think needs to be shared.
I have been around passionate people, I have been around impacting people, I have been around people who can speak truth into my life, and I've seen all great things from them and I have strived to be like each of them. However, there is something about Jordan's passion these days that gets me more fired up than ever before. He has a true passion to love the people around him and to change the world around him. It's people like him and passion like that that brings others to a point of question..."Am I that passionate? And if not, I should be!"
I can tell him over and over how proud of him I am, how I'm lucky to soon be his wife, how he makes me a better person, and how his passion is life changing for me, but I think the best way I can show him how much it means to me is to be as passionate about reaching lost and hurting people.
Jordan preached his second message last night about LOVE....such a common word, but yet the true meaning sometimes gets forgotten. What he spoke stuck to me....it went straight to my heart....and I realized....I need to speak, walk, breathe and live love to everyone I come in contact with. Reaching people for Christ may not be the easiest thing, but loving them is. Loving them is what He's called us to do....to love each other like He loves us. Think about it....it's really not that hard.
So, thank you baby for reminding me how simple spreading the LOVE of Christ can be. I choose today to be as passionate as you are about reaching people, loving people, and making a difference in the world around me. I love you.

Love & Hope
Our mission is to love and be loved. What we often miss is that our words have an impact on individuals, nations, communities, and ourselves. Listen hear to this if we speak love and life we (this generation) will see a revolution happen. If this is our world, we need to love it for all that's inside itLet there be no more wars, death or riotsThere'd be no more police, packed parking lots, guns, bombs sounding off.I know that you have it within each and everyone of you. You're voice can impact the world around you. Take this lyric from Angels and Airwaves..."watch our words spread HOPE like fire!" God is asking...who is ready for a change...to turn this world upside down?
-I am! Simple as that.
Jordan Kerns

Micah 6:6-8
6 How can I stand up before God and show proper respect to the high God? Should I bring an armload of offerings topped off with yearling calves? 7 Would God be impressed with thousands of rams, with buckets and barrels of olive oil? Would he be moved if I sacrificed my firstborn child, my precious baby, to cancel my sin? 8 But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don't take yourself too seriously - take God seriously.

A stirring within.... From January 16, 2008 - Wednesday

2008-10-31T15:58:00.000-04:00

Lord there is so much on my heart.....God what are you stirring in me?!?!?

So much in my life is changing right now and it's exciting, unsettling, and just overall crazy. But through all the madness going on I just feel God stirring in me.

I'm getting married in 4 ½ months and yes, that's a huge change; but that seems to be the only constant thing right now. I could never be more sure of spending the rest of my life with Jordan. He's the best thing that God has given me and I couldn't be happier. God has blessed our relationship so much more than I thought. We sure have had our tough times and our moments where we've questioned what God was doing in us, but God has proven to us time and time again that if we are faithful to Him he'll work every detail in our relationship out according to His will.

So God...what is it that you are stirring up in me!?! You know my heart; you know I'm frustrated, you know I'm hurt, you know that I want so much more out of people and church and everything.....You know I want change and passion and desire for myself, but more for the people around me. Is that it? Is that what you're doing in me?

I'm trying to look past the fact the people in my life are human, they aren't perfect, they make mistakes; they will fail me, hurt me, betray me, lie to me, deceive me, turn their back on me....but why does it hurt so much. Why can't I just stop looking to man and just look to you? Why do I let these people hurt me and turn my heart hard towards things? Why do I let these people shape who I am? Why do I let them influence what church is supposed to be like? Why do I let them make me question how real You are in our church?

God take my focus off man, take my mind off the things of this world that get me down, and help me to just trust completely in You. You are the only one who can change hearts and lives and make people new. You are the only one who can bring our church back to a place of desperation for You. And God, You are the only one that can use me to make a difference. God help me to help change this world; help me to help change hearts and lives for You; help me to be a better example of who You are. God rise up within me the undying burning passion to see greatness now, not later, but now. I can't rely on anyone else, it starts with me.

People just don't get it anymore. They come to church, do the song and dance, and think that's all there is to it. Then they complain about what's going on with who, what, and where, but what are they doing to make a difference. Nothing. They sit and talk and do the same thing they do every week. Why aren't they begging for more of you? Why aren't they crying out to you in desperation for change? Why do they act like they care, but don't do anything to make a difference? Why!?! I'm so sick of it all....I'm so tired of it...I want change.

Take the anger within me and replace it with passion.....God change me so I can change the world around me. Rise up warriors around me to take a stand for You and to take a stand to pray for change, to pray for greatness, to pray for realness....to pray for true and honest men and women of God. Wake us up God! We are sleeping and we are letting time pass us by and we are watching the lost die without making an effort to reach them. You have called us to do great things and God I want nothing less than that. I'm here; ready, waiting, and crying out to you for more. Use me!

Bring The Rain LyricsMercyMe

I can count a million timesPeople asking me how ICan praise You with all that I've gone throughThe question just amazes meCan circumstances possiblyChange who I forever am in YouMaybe since my life was changedLong before these rainy daysIt's never really ever crossed my mindTo turn my back on you, oh LordMy only shelter from the stormBut instead I draw closer through these timesSo I prayBring me joy, bring me peaceBring the chance to be freeBring me anything that brings You glory And I know there'll be days When this life brings me painBut if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rainI am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above because you are much greater than my pain you who made a way for me suffering your destiny so tell me what's a little rain

I'M ENGAGED! From July 3, 2007 - Tuesday

2008-10-31T15:56:00.000-04:00

Well Sunday Jordan proposed to me!!!! I can't believe it! I'm engaged! Ah!!! He took me to the Japanese garden in Mishawaka, had beautiful flowers leading up to the bridge where he proposed. He said the most amazing things in the world to me; he cried, I bawled, and then he asked me to marry him! Of course I said yes!!! Then he had me turn around & my family & his family were there watching the whole time! It was absolutely PERFECT and my ring is gorgeous!!!! :) God has given me the best man in the world and is allowing me to share the rest of my life with him. There is no one in the world who could love me better than he does and there is no one in the world I could love more. (Thank you Jesus for giving me the perfect soul mate!) I'm going to be marrying my best friend (don't get jealous Beth, you will always be my best girlfriend)! ;) I just wanted to share this incredible news with all of you! I love you guys!

Who I Admire.... From March 3, 2007 - Saturday

2008-10-31T15:54:00.000-04:00

I admire people that call themselves Christian and really live their lives completely for Him. I admire the people who don't act like they love Christ and then act another way 99% of the time. I admire people who call Jesus their best friend and really treat Him like one. I have a hard time trusting in people who do anything but that.

JESUS IS THE BEST THING IN MY LIFE & I WILL NEVER DENY WHO HE IS. I WILL ALWAYS GIVE HIM MY ALL & DO WHATEVER I CAN TO SERVE HIM....WHY DO YOU ASK? BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE ARE CALLED TO DO. WE ARE CALLED TO LIVE FOR HIM, WORSHIP HIM, AND THEN LOOK FORWARD TO SPENDING ETERNITY WITH HIM.

I LOVE JESUS & THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT.

Rock On From May 20, 2006 - Saturday

2008-10-31T15:50:00.000-04:00

Well tonight I had the opportunity to sing a song in concert with a good friend and a great artist. Miss Joanna Martino!!! It was SO much fun!
Joanna sang in concert in Elkhart tonight and had invited me to sing a song with her. It was just a taste of part of God's plan for me. I loved every minute of it and I can't wait to perform some more and to rock on for Jesus!